Family tradition

Dear Mom
I’m sorry I didn’t die when I overdosed
I’m telling you because you hate me the most
I thought that you cared but it’s not even close
not to the moon and the stars
or however it goes
Like my brother I use drugs
but it’s not to get high
I switched to his drug of choice because I want to die
I’m obsessed with the idea
of not being alive
and Im jealous that he could actually commit suicide
Like everything else I can’t even make it at that
and I feel like I’m not allowed to talk to my dad
I know we’re not close
but I’m the only Kid he has
I don’t want to know what about me
makes me so bad
I’m struggling with how
I’ve always viewed myself
and I know that you share my views
more than anyone else
I want to understand you
and understand how you felt
but I can never make my daughter want to kill herself
I can’t justify calling you a mom because all I remember
are the times you were gone
you wouldn’t let me stay
the night my brother died
And I blame you for him
not being alive
I promise I would be there
and you wouldn’t allow it
we could have had a happy life but you kept us grounded
we knew that love existed
but we were never around it
I wish that I could say that I had
but I’ve never found it
Because I don’t know how to love me
I base my actions on those around me
I know you don’t like how all this is  sounding
but it’s the truth and it’s profounding
I don’t Know what this is, but I won’t do it anymore.
You’re the one that needed me since I was born.
Say that you love me but I’ve never seen it before
And tell me I’m nothing
I’m a whore.
I hate you because my daughters mom isn’t all right
and she did nothing to not deserve me in her life
But in all reality, you’re just making me strong.
You’re showing me exactly what not to do
to be a mom.
It’s because of my daughter
that theres still light
and I’m not gonna miss anymore of her life.
I’m fighting demons that she’s never gonna have
and I’m sorry I ever loved you instead of my dad

Because with you it’s always a competition

I wonder why this hatred

has turned into tradition

It’s not simple to me

it’s not like addition

I wonder why my mother’s love has always been fiction

I wish that you died instead

So I could have been with him